Gay Sex Lion
by malaga
Summary: All the female Gleeks are trying to get him and Hummel to date, and Santana is a way better girlfriend for Brittany than she ever was for Puck. He's kind of okay with that, because he's a sex lion. Puckurt, slash.


Puck first works out that guys get him hot and bothered too in the locker room after they win their second game of the season. He forgot his towel, and he'd normally just leave it until Monday, but last time he did that his locker stank of damp for weeks. As he steps through the door, waving the guys on and cheerfully exchanging jeers with Mike about who really fumbled that pass, he hears the unmistakable sound of water smashing against concrete and knows Hummel is in the shower still.

He always darts into the cubicle straight after the match and stays there until everyone has gone. Puck doesn't know whether it's another part of his practically being a girl and needing extra shower time to moisturise his eyebrows or whatever the hell they do, or whether it's just that he doesn't want to be in a locker room with the guys. Whatever it is, it's the only thing that has kept Karofsky's mutterings to a minimum about sharing a changing room with the school fag, which is good 'cause Hummel is the only reason they ever really won fairly, and Puck does not want to have to go back to sleeping with the opposition's moms to psych the other team out. It's fine when they have MILFs, but sometimes it's really laying back and thinking of the team (or of Santana and Brittany making out. Whatever).

The water stops, and Hummel steps out. He doesn't make a high pitched noise and scuttle back in, but Puck can tell it's a close thing from the wide-eyed expression he makes. That's when Puck works it out. It isn't like he's ogling some naked dude either, because he's been on team sports since he was six years old, and if that was all it took to get Little Puck interested, he'd have been beaten up fairly frequently. Besides, Hummel's wearing some white bathrobe that looks like he stole it from a hotel and covers more than Rachel Berry's entire wardrobe. No, it's the hair that's to blame.

Normally, Hummel's hair is like a helmet or a really unconvincing toupee the way it sits on his head and stays perfectly in place throughout the most vigorous dance moves and football exercise. Now though, it looks like real hair, slightly mussed and barely towel-dried. One of the strands drips water down his cheek, and Puck kind of wants to lick it off, which isn't normal. Not even a little bit.

Puck mutters something and shoulder barges him on the way out before going and making out with Santana. She won't let him make out with Brittany though, but he can watch, so that's all good. And very straight, at least on his part, which is key at this point.

So he kind of represses it, which he should have remembered failed miserably with his thing for Quinn. This strategy works great until Glee practice, when the whole club is working on some absurdly complicated choreography for them to do in the background of the latest Rachel and Finn duet and he's placed right behind Kurt, who happens to have a fantastic ass now that he thinks about it.

Actually, the whole thing with Brittany kicking him in the head was kind of inevitable (the choreography was really complicated) and it's not like he's the first person to fall unconscious in Glee, not after the time Sue decided her Cheerio's were no longer allowed to eat unless they earned it. Waking up to the whole Glee club bending over him was a little unnerving though, especially with Santana reassuring Brittany that a) she wouldn't go to jail for killing him because he wasn't dead and b) if he did die, she'd totally help Brittany hide the body.

Puck gives himself a moment of self-pity at the realisation that Santana is a way better girlfriend to Brittany than she ever was with him. He fits it in as everyone realises he's woken up and Berry starts berating him for missing his cue, tuning her out with the ease born of practice.

As she winds down, finishing with the standard refrain of "And it's only x days till Regionals, and I don't think we're focused enough", Mercedes and Kurt mouthing along mockingly and everyone else exchanging bored looks, Puck knows this can't keep happening. A stud is not a stud when he gets knocked out and mildly concussed because he's staring at another dude's ass.

After Glee, he kicks Mercedes out and holds Kurt back, pulling down the blind on the door and easily ignoring the increasingly graphic threats she's making.

"Hummel. We need to talk." He backs Kurt up against a wall, kind of enjoying the muffled squeak he lets out when he realises he's trapped.

"'Cedes will do all those things if you hurt me! Plus, you'll go back to losing at football again!" He finally says, eyes darting around as though searching for either an escape or a convenient weapon.

"I'm not going to… Really? Even the thing with the garden shears?"

Kurt nods frantically, and Puck almost reconsiders, because… ouch.

"Not the point. Look, I'm a sex shark."

Now Kurt just looks confused. "They make movies about you with terrifying theme tunes?"

"No. Well, maybe, I don't know what Artie and the rest of the AV club do with their lunchtimes and they film me occasionally. Look, stop distracting me. I mean, I have to get want I want and keep moving on, or I drown."

"I am so grateful for the fact that I don't know what goes on in your mind, and to be honest, I hope I never do."

Puck sighs, this is way easier with chicks. Normally he'd be rounding second by now, but he blames the dizziness still left from his collision with Brittany's foot. "You're hot. You know, for a dude. And it's distracting. But normally when I find someone hot, I sleep with them, and then I still think they're hot, but it isn't, you know, a big thing anymore."

"You want to sleep with me, in the hopes that I'll stop being attractive to you." It's delivered in a monotone, and Puck can't decide if that's a good sign or not.

He leans in closer and grabs Hummel's hip. "Yeah."

"No. Not only no, but hell no." He swings his bag between them and ducks under Puck's arm, shooting out the door before Puck has a chance to blink. Probably not a great sign, but at least he didn't get punched out.

The next couple of days have both Hummel and his scary sidekick shooting him wary looks and avoiding him whenever possible. A few months ago, this would have been perfect, but not so much right now, especially when he skips football practice and Puck gets blamed.

"Fix it. Whatever you did, just apologise and promise not to do it again." Finn says, and Matt nods behind him, arms folded like he does when he wants to be threatening.

"Whatever," he mutters sulkily, but knows he does have to fix this. Tanaka was about to cry when he realised Kurt wasn't there, and the man cries too much already.

Puck decides to sing him a song, because that always seems to work for him. He is later informed that Aerosmith's 'Dude Looks Like A Lady' might not have been the best choice. Unfortunately, Artie tells him this after Kurt has stormed out in a fashion worthy of Rachel at her most diva. This seems to be the catalyst for all the Gleeks to start helping him out.

Tina and Mercedes take him to the mall and spill Kurt's likes and dislikes over manicures and pedicures, all of which they volunteered Puck to pay for. He does so grudgingly, and tries not to wince when he sees the price. Firstly, they were right, he does stop wearing holes in his socks so quickly after a decent pedicure, secondly, he now knows where and what to do if he ever gets Kurt on a date.

That's the other thing that they've told him. Kurt is a 'not until the third date' kind of guy, so Puck will have to date him to get anywhere. Mercedes reiterates her best threats should he hurt her boy between arguing the all important issue of Passion Pink or Sweet Strawberry varnish with Tina, and Puck remembers why she terrifies him almost as much as Santana.

It's not a bad day, all told, but nowhere near as much fun as shopping for sex toys with Brittany and Santana the next day, who were taking the time to do some personal shopping as they gave him hints and tips. Puck hadn't even known there was a sex-shop in Ohio, but he was definitely coming back. Probably fairly often.

Fully prepared, and all the football players convinced to leave by Mike, Matt, and Finn (although mostly by Mike, who was the only one with both a brain and the ability to speak to people) Puck sidles up to Kurt's lunch table.

He leans on it, hooking his thumb in his jeans to show a few inches of skin, and moves in as close as he can to Kurt without actually touching him.

"So, Kurt." He starts off, giving him his sexiest bedroom eyes.

"Yes, I'll go out with you. But only because no one will leave me alone if I don't."

Puck's mouth snaps shut and he blinks at Kurt a few times. "What?"

"Over the past few days I have been harassed by every single female member of Glee club to, and I quote, 'give you a chance'," Kurt looks distinctly sulky. "Well, everyone except Rachel, and that's because she still hasn't noticed how shifty you've been acting. So this is me, giving you a chance. Wow me."

Puck beamed. "Cool. I totally will."

"Because you're a 'sex shark'?" Kurt asked sarcastically.

Puck shook his head. "I used to be a sex shark. Now I'm like a sex lion."

"Don't tell me…" Kurt groaned.

"The ladies bring in my prey and it lasts ages." Puck informed him solemnly.

Kurt looks down and shakes his head, but Puck is pretty sure he can see the hint of a smile and a blush, which is way better than last time.

After organising the details of their date, Puck struts out of the cafeteria, head held high. He's pretty sure even a gay lion could beat a shark in a fight any day.


End file.
